3.02.2016

My journey to self acceptance



I’ve typed up this post at least 10 times. Trying to verbalize something that I don’t fully understand myself has been a challenge.  
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When I took my blogging break I had no timeline in mind. All I knew was that my blog wasn’t making me happy anymore. Trying to figure out exactly why was really difficult for me. I knew that I wasn’t inspired to style my clothes anymore and my blog just didn’t feel representative of my life. I was so lost and it was difficult to admit to myself that I might just need to take a step back.
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Reflecting back, I know that one of the reasons I wasn’t feeling happy about my blog is because I wasn’t happy with myself. I’ve always considered myself a happy person but one area of my life where I’ve always struggled is with my body image. I’ve realized that battling with my body image while trying to portray my ideal version of the “Miss Melissa” brand made me feel like I couldn’t be myself on my own blog. 
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Putting 13 years of body image ups and downs into words has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. Growing up I was always very confident. I put value on being a good person and being kind to others. In my early 20’s I put on some weight and to be completely honest, I didn’t even notice. It was actually other people that pointed out my size. I was told quite often that I would be so pretty if I lost weight and I was told how I looked nothing like my skinny sister. Suddenly the qualities I valued about myself shifted.  Instead of being proud that I was a nice person or a good friend, I was mad at myself for gaining that weight. 
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Weight became my focus for a long time. I am very fortunate that I never went to any major extremes to lose weight but I definitely obsessed over my size and it was exhausting. My weight went up and down over the next 10 years because I was never healthy for the right reasons. If I was eating well or being active it was to lose weight and as soon as the weight was off I would go back to my old habits. I would compare myself to other women and while I had no problem seeing the beauty in the women around me, I just couldn’t always see it in myself.
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I’m frustrated at the time I’ve spent over the years worrying about my size and a few years ago I decided it was time to make a change. Regardless of my size I was never happy with myself and I knew that if I spent the rest of my life focusing on the size of my body I would really regret it. I’ve been really working hard at trying to create a healthy mindset so I can put less emphasis on my size and focus on creating a consistent healthy lifestyle for myself. I still have good days and bad days and while I may never fully heal, I am really proud of how far I’ve come over the last couple years.
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I want this blog to be an honest and creative space where I can be myself. I feel really vulnerable sharing my struggle with body image but it was something I felt I needed to do. I've missed all of you during my time away from this blog and I am really looking forward to connecting with you again.
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xo
Melissa



8 comments:

  1. Melissa, I feel you on every bit of this post. We share a similar story and a very similar reason as to why we drifted away from blogging! Thanks for sharing this and I look forward to your return, in whatever form that may take! Here's to being happy & healthy!! xoxo!

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    1. I think we had discussed (briefly) in the past that we shared some of the same body image issues. If you ever want to chat you know where to find me xo.

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  2. Thank you for being so authentic and honest!!!! Great post.

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    1. Thank you! I really appreciate that xo

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  3. You are gorgeous inside and out, Melissa. Kevin's lucky to have you as a wife and your little boy will be so lucky to call you mommy.

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    1. Aw,well thank you, Lisa! You know I feel the same about you.

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  4. Oh my gosh, you're having a baby?? Congrats! Odd as it may sound, I was so happy to see your post in my feed. I loved to read your blog; I honestly wouldn't have thought you were dealing with those issues; you were the image of happiness and confidence to me. I can relate to not being happy with oneself; not that many people bring up the weight I've put on, and it's usually well-meaning people who are close, but it can do a number on your psyche. At the end of the day, what counts is being healthy and relishing the happy parts of our life, not the number on the size tags (those things are so arbitrary anyway!)

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    1. Ah yes! We are having a baby! Thank you for your kind words. I really was confident and happy most of the time but definitely went through those difficult times. I agree that the people who bring up weight are generally well meaning but it is just so hard to deal with. It's taken a while but I agree that being healthy and happy is what matters. xo

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